To my readers, I want to share this with you. It's something about the Great Depression of mine during the year 2008. ^_^
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Day 1 October 13, 2008 7:08 PM
This will be the first day that I will once again traverse the road of life on my own. I never thought this day would come. I thought I’d never live to see this day.
unbreak my heart… say you love me again…
Perhaps, I must stop hoping for something that will never be realized. I must stop sulking and being morose. I must stop regretting things that I did in the past because it is too late to undo all of it. What I must do is to look forward, stop looking behind, and advance. I must follow the light furnished by the blazing sun, instead of looking for the beam of the moon, accompanied by darkness.
it’s so hard to accept the fact that you’re gone forever…
See? I definitely know what to do. I’m always good at identifying what are the appropriate actions needed to be acted upon on specific situations. But still, I find it so hard to do the things, the right things, that are needed to be done. Only I can help myself, but since I’m weak, I can’t help myself. I can’t do the things that I want. I don’t have any strength now. The only reservoir of my strength was abolished by the one providing it. Maybe it was a very tiring job. It was abandoned, and I did nothing to prevent and do something about it. I felt so helpless. I’m so weak.
when you left I lost a part of me… it’s still so hard to believe…
Let’s see how far I will go.
Alone.
Sad.
Weak.
Helpless.
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Day 2 October 14, 2008 10:52 PM
Well, I barely made it to Day 2. Yesterday was so miserable. That’s the first time that I cried so hard ever since I met her. At first, I thought that I will not cry, but I guess it’s just so hard for me to hold it.
got my phone and then dialed your number… hoping we could still work things over… but as my calls all got no answer, tears dropped from my eyes…
I never thought that this love story will end. I’m always expecting for new chapters to unfold. That’s why it came as a huge shock to me when she ended it.
I’ll close my eyes then I won’t see the love you don’t feel when you’re holding me…
I’m just wondering why she was so cold to me when she ended it. Am I that bad? No, there must be something else that influenced her to be like that. I’m so angry at him. He’s the one to blame after all. If he did not made it through us, thins will happen differently. I hate him.
What about us? What about everything we’ve been through?
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Day 6 October 18, 2008 3:53 PM
What an interval! From Day 2 to Day 6! It’s been a while since my last post.
So many things have happened.
And it’s sad that things went out that way.
It’s still so hard to believe. I can say that I am still in the state of denial. I still don’t believe that it happened. It’s just so hard to accept that fact, and I think that I am not ready to absorb and accept the real situation.
Yesterday I went to SM Valenzuela and I saw her there, playing NX. She was facing the opposite way, but I am convinced that it was her because I am absolutely familiar with the way she stand, she moves, everything about her physical aura, especially her hair.
I don’t have the courage to approach her, nor to show myself to her. So I left that place. I went to Tronix and I printed some of my pictures, her pictures, and those drawings that I drew, so that there will be pictures on my new wallet. After that, I killed time on the Foodcourt. During my stay there, I edited the sketches that I did during my stay on Tita Neneng’s house at Meycauayan. I used my newly purchased drawing pencils - Faber-Castell HB and 2B, and I’m very happy that I purchased those. When 9:00PM striked, I left with a tattered heart.
It’s almost been a week.
Anyway, my plans for today : improve my drawing skills, rejuvenate my vocabulary, and read John Grisham’s The Runaway Jury. I want to improve my drawing skills. I will try to study how to draw the body part, because I still have no idea how to pencil in that part. Rejuvenate my vocabulary - it’s blunted already. Hahah! And I can do that by reading John Grisham’s The Runaway Jury. Let’s see if I will be a fan.
So, tomorrow is the day that I will transfer to our rented unit near GSIS at the PUP. I don’t know how things will happen there. Well, it’s for a change. Hope that the new milieu will help me realize things and heal - the latter, I don’t think so. I don’t think that I can bring my computer there, but I hope that I can. It’s essential for my study. I’m just waiting for the laptop that my father will buy for me, but I don’t know exactly when will he buy it. I hope it’s for my birthday.
Well, so much for this post. I will just post another one tonight - a continuation of this post.
Have a blessed day reader!
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Day 8 October 20, 2008 6:26 PM
It’s been a week. Sigh. I think that everthing’s sinking in. I am gradually grasping the fact - the very painful fact - that everything was done. An awful conclusion for so sweet a relationship.
We said let go but I kept on hangin’ oan…
That song. Mariah Carey’s I Stay In Love from her latest album E=MC², really got me! I love that song.
Inside I know it’s over, you’re really gone…
But baby, I stay in love with you.
By the way, my plans on renting a unit were hindered today. Our prospective unit was already taken and occupied by someone else who came earlier than we did. So, I think that my would-be room mates would seek for another unit.
And again, I went to SM Valenzuela, in the hope of finding her there and talking to her. Yes, she was there. But when I saw her, my feet seemed paralyzed. I can’t move towards her. I really wished to talked to her. But I was unable to. I hoped that she will approached me, but that seems to be a far-fetched dream. And I also think that she has more important things to do than to waste her time talking to someone like me. And I also think that she is going somewhere, because I saw her on the second floor with her friends. Usually they were on the World of Fun. So, she indeed did not have time to waste.
I stood there, looking at her, thinking how the times are when she was mine, when I can do anything with her, I can say anything, I can request anything. Then suddenly, I told myself, ‘No. She’s not yours anymore. Things will be different if you approach her. Maybe she will not talk to you. She may even ignore you. Don’t go. It will just break your already broken heart.’ Those are my thoughts during that time. She was now a total stranger to me.
I remember when she used to be mine. I remember all those memories that we shared. And I almost cried when I was reminiscing.
No, no, no, no. This can’t be happening.
T.T
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A Gloomy Vista… October 29, 2008 7:14 PM
It’s been two weeks and two days since it ensued, and what can I say about the days I spent? Melancholic. I always felt it. Sometimes, I don’t. During these instances, it suddenly explodes within, amid the laughter and smiles that surrounds me, losing myself to silence and sadness.
For the record, you’ll always be a part of me no matter what you do…
I’m quite happy for her. Her sufferings already ended. She said that it was not easy for her, but still, she made it. I’m glad for her. I hope the sufferings that she fought through were not as grave as what I am currently tackling.
I wish I could just make you turn around… Turn around and see my cry..
The part that really killed me is the moment she said, ‘hindi yun naging madali sa’kin..’I read through that. It only meant that though it was hard for her, she did it. She succeeded. That’s the time when it seemed that the world spins before me. I panicked, literally. Is it what she’s trying to say? Or I’m just getting paranoid? My deciphering is correct, unfortunately.
There’s so much I need to say to you… So many reasons why…
But even if I tell and explained to you everything, it will be getting me nowhere. It’s just too late to rectify it. I learned about it, the hard way. After futile attempts of having a conversation with her, I took time to think. What if my attempts were successful? What will be the core of our tête-à-tête? Will I be explaining everything? The reasons behind my actions perhaps. All things that I must do but did not. State the reasons why I did not acted upon those, if available. Point the faults, on both sides. That’s the plan. But when I think of it, everything seems to go right to the drain. It’s just too late. Nothing will happen. It’s already done. And I have no power to undo it. Yesterday will be the last attempt. I will not go there anymore. I will avoid that place.
Maybe you could be mine again…
Somewhere in my heart I still believe that everything’s a show: a show with a sudden twist in the end. Maybe she’s just pretending that she’s done with me. Maybe she wanted to see what will I do if we came to that point. Maybe she’s just testing me. Then suddenly, she will tell me that she was just joking on everything. Then it will be a happy world.
I still hold on to that illusion.
October 31, when everything’s the same as they are now, I will let go.
I have to make that decision.
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(untitled) March 30, 2009 5:59 AM
it’s almost half a year.. it’s that long already? hahah.. well, living without her is not as depressing as i thought.. and oh, sorry, but that’s a lie!
duh! how can i say that.. you’re a jerk if you actually believed in that.. hahah.. just want to share an incident to you, my super bored reader..
march 18, we went to bosay resort in antipolo with my CS friends.. and i can say that it’s the happiest day of my first year.. why? simply put, my best friend is with me! that alone makes me happy.. ^^
my other close friends did not make it with us, so only me and my best friend are there.. (for more infos about those friends, check out that photo above) but still, i’m super happy.. hahah!
so, that’s the happiest day, as i have said, but that’s also the loneliest day.. hahah, tides are absent-minded now, aren’t they? shifting to sides one after another.. i’m so happy, then suddenly, i’m so sad.. so lonely.. so broken.. yup, that’s the word..
i literally cried my eyes out.. you should have seen it! hahah! well, i cried for 4 hours at most.. and i cried on the jeep, while walking, on the MRT, on the bus, on the trike, and last, on my bed.. can you imagine that? i have no shame, eh? crying in public.. tsk3..
reason? you’re asking why? hahah, what else could be the reason? i hate it! nostalgia! argh! those waves of nostalgia so strong it destroyed the wall of happiness that was built all throughout that day.. i’m very depressed at the time i was on north avenue station that i thought of ending everything there.. i didn’t care if it is a nasty drop from there, i just wanted everything to end..
so, that’s all!
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So, what can you say? Yes, yes, so dramatic. The bright side? It's all done. ^_^ And the thing is, whenever I read these, I smile. These posts are important to me. Though they aren't happy memories, I treasure them. ^^
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